JOKES GALORE..HAHAHAHA!!!!

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I’ve been driving

‘hearses’ for the last 25 years!”

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A blonde is driving down the road and then she slams on her brakes because she was not watching and smacks into the back of some guy in a truck. The guy gets out and starts yelling at her. The blonde gets out of her car and starts talking back at him. He gets so angry that he draws a circle in the sand on the side of the road and tells her he will hurt her if she gets out of the circle.

He then gets out a sledge hammer and starts smashing up her car and then he hears her laughing.

He turns around and tells her to shut up then continues smashing her and then shortly after, he hears her laughing again. Finally after the third times she laughs he turns around and says,

“What are you laughing about? I am smashing your car and you are laughing?”

She laughs again then says, “Well when you weren’t looking I stepped out of the circle three times!”

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The Kenya Police , The FBI, and the CIA were all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals ahead of Hillary Clinton's visit to Kenya. Therefore, the Kenyan President decided to give them a test. He released a rabbit into Mau Forest and told each of them to try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants and spies throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three days of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. They are a figment of our imagination.

The FBI goes in. After two days with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming anyway!

The Kenya Police goes in. They came out half an hour later with a badly beaten pig. The pig was yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

They won!


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At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."

"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea,right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Cildren of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin"?

TAUGHT TO LOVE!!
I am one person who is blessed and endowed with a community of nieces and nephews. I call them a community because they are a sizeable number; am talking of 20 plus kids. Now before you raise up your arms in protest or you turn indigo with envy, let me state that ours is a big family and being the only son, no MAN, in the entire family of 9 sisters, what do you expect? Add countless kids from a number of cousins and the number of my nieces and nephews goes far beyond the twenty mark. Satisfied?
Now back to the story. Of course they make me happy and proud though the title ‘ankoo’ does come with a little price like being asked for ‘kitu’ (a snack, candies or fruits) every time I get home from work or every time I leave home or visit any of those siblings. And am not complaining!
Amongst these many siblings is one beautiful girl, three years old Shanieze; classic name there yeah? This little princess knows that she is cute and boy does she throw tantrums!!She is rather stubborn at times and no amount of threats, hells fire or spanking will move her.
Now once she throws such tantrums, I get the cue and simply spank her to the maximum. Now don’t look at me with those eyes .Remember “spare the rod………”.And because I want Shanieze to be an orderly Kenyan, a mzalendo,I often take responsibility.
But one thing I have noted is that no matter how I may discipline her and no matter how many litres of tears she may shed, this little angel will always welcome my embrace after a short while and all over again we will be buddies. Shanieze will ask me for ‘kitu’ and if I don’t have it, she won’t sulk the whole day. We would still be friends and she will still call me by my pet name “anko junior”.Discalimer: I don’t know how she came up with that name and for our communication purposes, I call her ‘Shanieze junior’ or ‘babie’.
Okey am not trying to blow some trumpet here for my sweet but some times impossible niece.No.But she has taught me some lessons on love.Yeah, believe it or not. I spank her when she misbehaves, sometimes I fail to buy her a snack or even to clean her nose but this angel looves me dearly. I often ask my self whether we adults could be so loving. Loving to people who make life difficult for us, those harsh to us, those that fail us almost all the time, those unforgiving to us…. I mean the list is long. Even those who correct us and we feel like uuuuuurrrgh! Yes, could we love on them all tirelessly and unconditionally?
Shanieze is teaching me to love and the lessons are not as easy. She hasn’t told me how she manages not to keep grudges against me or how she manages the smile even when I don’t bring home goodies. How I wish I could learn the secret!!
And how I wish all of us could let free our little shanieze’s inside us! The world would be better don’t you think so? No grudges, or hatred, or revenge, or sulking…..OH!!I HAVE BEEN TAUGHT TO LOVE AND PLEASE JOIN ME.GOD HELP ME LOVE FOR REAL

Burn the trash,keep the memories!!!

 by Sam Chege

 The other day I did something I had not done for a very long time;I burned the trash!.What trash? you may ask.You see I had not rummaged through my books and papaers for a very long time and so countless papers,books magazines ,receipts etcetra, etcetra had accumulated with time.Of course a number of them did not make sense and weren't worthy the keep.

So what did I do?I removed all my literature possessions one by one and separated the 'chaff from the 'grains.And what did i do next? I burned the trash,yeah trash for that is what i call it.Among them was a regret letter i had once received from a prominent media house telling me that though i had scored well in an interview,they were sorry that they could not ofer me employment (aki wooiyee), another one were several letters or are they love notes? from an ex,a useles new age thinking book among many others.

But as i sorted out my things,i realized there are some things that i would ever treasure eg a standard seven composition that i had written (you should read this hahaha!!!!. And i scored poa by the way), a standard seven report form,a niece's eulogy (okay,this one is hard to write, i loved this beautiful girl and we lost her too soon.God!),my college note books,my first published news paper stories (oh yes!!) among others.

Now where am i driving at with all this trash burning tale?The lesson learnt! Yes, i learnt that at one time in our lives, we do carry a lot of trash that we need to really  BURN! Some past pain,hurt,bitterness,guilt,mistakes,failures,,,the list is endless.We need to take time, sort out our lives and burn the chaff kabisaaa!!Because if we do not do that, the chaff will clog our system,destiny path and dreams and we might arrive at our destiny too tired to do anything or even not make it at all!!Sad, huh?

But then in our box of issues,there are memories,sweet memories we need to treasure and cherish and perhaps use them as testimonials any time we face challenges.Yes,proof that we can use against the devil any time he throws some discouragement our way

And so i burned the trash and retained the memories and learned the lesson.TIME FOR YOU TO BURN SOME TRASH?!!!



CAST YOUR BURDENS UNTO JESUS FOR HE CARES FOR YOU!!!!

  Jesus in the office?!!
 By sam chege

Jesus visited me in the office!
And I was so shocked!
For how can Jesus come and take coffee
In our office as he waits for me,
We only meet in church on sunday morning,
At that time my sins am mourning,
Pleading for his mercies and forgiveness,
And how great that time it is,
As I praise and worship,tithe and offer,
My best coin,smile and Amen!
But in the office!Oh Jesus!
Not a very good place to meet with you,
Okey Jesus, I wasn't flirting with that colleague,
I was just having some very close consultation with them,its office policy
And Jesus, I wasn't intending to browse that x rated site,not me!
It just popped out on my screen and Jesus ninge do?
Oh and Jesus I wasn't being disobedient to my boss,
Its just that...well...you know how difficult bosses are..dont you?
And that colleague Jesus,I wasn't gossiping about her,
I was just giving my honest opinion about them,which isn't that bad,
Then Jesus I needed that rest sooo much,
That I had to get the sick leave,
The headche and back ache seemed like malaria, so I asked for that rest,
Ok Jesus we are having a staff meeting in five minutes,
So would you kindly finish your coffee and hurry, sweet Jesus?
What!!You want to attend our staff meeting?
Truth is that  I haven't performed so well of late coz of the pressure,
You know how hard it can get don't you?Just recall your Gethsemane experience,
Okey Jesus I know I have failed and have not been a very good ambassador,
For you and your kingdom in this office,
Please give me another chance to be better,
And please Jesus, would you kindly call next time you want to visit?
Its just for logistics purposes,nothing else,
Hey Jesus!Why that warm hug and smile on your face?
What Jesus? Its for me? That you've said you will not condemn me?
Phew!Well,well,well! Thanks Jesus for your love,
And for your mercies,goodness and care,
And Jesus, would you wait for me,so that we can go home together,
Wouldn't mind dinner with you Jesus,
And loving Jesus, I promise to make your stay in this office better next time,
Just in case you visit me again.

Life’s Greatest Spiritual Secret

Have you ever struggled and fretted because your life wasn't going the way you wanted? Do you feel that way right now?
You have legitimate needs and desires. You know what would make you happy and you pray for it with all your might, asking God to help you get it. But if it doesn't come to pass, you may feel frustrated, disappointed, even bitter.

Sometimes you do get what you want, only to discover that it doesn't make you happy after all, just disillusioned.

Many Christians repeat this cycle their entire life, wondering what they're doing wrong. I should know. I was one of them.

A spiritual secret exists that can free you from this cycle: Trusting God. Trusting in the Lord.

"What?" you're asking. "That's no secret. I've read that dozens of times in the Bible and heard lots of sermons on it. What does he mean, secret?"

The secret lies in putting this truth into practice, by making it such a powerful theme in your life that you view every event, every sorrow, every prayer with the unshakable conviction that God is totally, spotlessly trustworthy.

That's where we mess up. We want to trust in anything rather than the Lord. We'll trust in our own abilities, in our boss's judgment of us, in our money, our doctor, even in an airline pilot. But the Lord? Well…

It's easy to trust in things we can see. Sure, we believe in God, but to allow him to run our life? That's asking a little too much, we think. The bottom line is that our wants may not agree with God's wants for us. After all, it's our life, isn't it? Shouldn't we have the say over it? Shouldn't we be the one who calls the shots? God gave us free will, didn't he?

Advertising and peer pressure tell us what's important: a high-paying career, a head-turning car, a drop-dead-gorgeous home, and a spouse or significant other who will make everyone else green with envy.

If we fall for the world's idea of what matters, we get trapped in what I call "The Loop of Next Time." The new car, relationship, promotion or whatever didn't bring you the happiness you expected, so you keep searching, thinking "Maybe next time." But it's a loop that's always the same, because you were created for something better, and deep down you know it.

When you finally reach the place where your head agrees with your heart, you're still hesitant. It's scary. Trusting in the Lord can require that you abandon everything you've ever believed about what brings happiness and fulfillment. It requires that you accept the truth that God knows what's best for you. But how do you make that leap from knowing to doing? How do you trust in the Lord instead of the world or yourself?

The secret lives within you: the Holy Spirit. Not only will he convict you of the rightness of trusting in the Lord, he'll help you do it. It's just too tough to do on your own.

Because the Holy Spirit knows you better than you know yourself, he'll give you exactly what you need to make this change. He's infinitely patient, so he'll let you test this secret—trusting in the Lord—in little baby steps. He'll catch you if you stumble. He'll rejoice with you when you succeed.

As someone who has gone through cancer, the deaths of loved ones, broken relationships, and job layoffs, I can tell you that trusting in the Lord is a lifelong challenge. You never finally "arrive." Each new crisis calls for recommitment. The good news is that the more often you see God's loving hand working in your life, the easier this trusting becomes.

When you trust in the Lord, you'll feel as if the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders. The pressure's off you now and on God, and he can handle it perfectly.

God will make something beautiful of your life, but he needs your trust in him to do it. Are you ready? The time to start is today, right now.
Scripture Of The Day: "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." - Psalm 118:8(ESV

Adapted from Streaming Faith Daily Devotionals and written by Jack Zavada

Convert your bussines into an empire

 By Sam Chege

Every business man or investor dreams of converting his bussiness to more than it is,a force to reckon with,an empire.However, for one to achieve such,it takes more than good brains although it is not rocket science.Where does one begin?

There is nothing as strong as the power of innovative thinking/idea.Whilst doing business ,ask your self what it is that you can do that is unique to what your competitors are offering. An innovative idea can make unlimited wealth. Any business can be turned into a business empire if you try to introduce some new concepts;for example modifying unsold designs etc.

A fixed goal and a sound business plan to materialize your dreams and desires is your other tool.The old adage 'failing to plan is planning to fail' holds very true in business.Having a well laid down bussiness plan will enable you execute the ideas in bite size and you will be able to measure your progress every step along the way.

  Take advantage of information technology and let it work for you.Nowadays IT has spread the world over turning us into a global village.Using it to tap information, reach your clients and for communication purposes will  help you reap unsumountable benefits.

Take care of your money well.One principle of money is that it will only be attracted to those who take care of it.Investing wisely in the bussiness will have its own benefits.However many bussiness ventures fail because they over spend after making some profit.Thy fall into what I call the 'profit hype syndrome'.Learn to control you desires to spend unnecessarily and invest where you will get maximum returns.

Create more value than your competitors.Every  bussiness man is in the market to create value to consumers, employees and share holders.Discover the best ways to please the three factors and you are good to go. In short, feed the cow well and watch your milk cans fill!

In summary, whatever businesses you are in,carry out a research about the ideas that are being used by top and successful companies and try to find some loop holes or better solutions and try to introduce them in your  business and you will see it turn into an empire.





 

Ride above office politics

Almost everyone has a coworker who makes them all blue to an extent that they want to tear their hair out. And then there are those employees who seem favored for doing very little, while other, hard working employees can never seem to get ahead.All these and many other office politics can really bug but you can avoid them by the following these simple steps:

 Steer clear of office gossip. While it's tempting to vent about a coworker or a work situation that is frustrating, know that doing so is a slippery slope, especially when the gossiping is done at the office. Remember the saying "the walls have ears," and realize that whomever you're gossiping to may love to gossip so much that they turn around and share your rant with the next person to walk into the break

Get your information from the source instead of through the grapevine. If you hear that a coworker with whom you'll be working on a project has a temper and ignores new ideas, take the time to engage this coworker in conversation and get to know him/her before the project begins. This is the more mature route and it prevents unnecessary anxiety about a person who may or may not have issues.

Go to your boss if the office politics directly affect your ability to do your work and inform him/her of the situation. They may be completely unaware that such issues are going on in their office and be proactive in finding a workable solution.

Avoid direct confrontation. While telling off a toxic co-worker might sound appealing, you are likely to lose. It lowers you to their level of childish behavior, and if they are adept at office politics, they'll know how to turn your tirade against you with the bosses

 Never take sides. In office politics, it is possible to find yourself stuck in between two power figures who are at odds with each other. You find yourself being thrown around while they try to outwit each other and defend their own position. All at the expense of you getting the job done. You can’t get them to agree on a common decision for a project, and neither of them want to take ownership of issues; they’re too afraid they’ll get stabbed in the back for any mishaps.
In cases like this, focus on the business objectives and don’t take side with either of them – even if you like one better than the other.

Know when it's time to quit and find another job. Sometimes office politics are so bad and create such a dysfunctional workplace that nothing can be done to assuage the situation except to leave and start afresh in another, healthier organization. However before you quit,weight the options critically lest you throw in the towel too soon and live to regret.

 

Adapted from the internet